Posts tagged self-worth

As a little girl, I always just wanted to be a boy because I thought being a boy was cool and I thought most girls and their play were just dumb and weren’t competitve. I loved competing with boys, jumping over chairs and on tables, playing police and thief, shooting imaginary guns in the air and at each other, drawing comics, super heroes and cartoon characters, watching and later pretending to be Superman or Spiderman or Green Lantern or Ice man and the rest of the super heroes. I didn’t care about having pretty hair and wearing dresses. I preferred to have my hair cut into a short afro, I preferred to wear clothings like trousers, really short shorts, track pants and shoes like converse, toms, e.t.c . I owned very few dresses and skirts, I owned pretty shoes too but I always preferred my “canvas”. I only cared for long hair adorned with beads when I saw some of my girlfriends looking really cute and dolly and getting attention from boys( my gees) . Not like I didn’t get attention too, I got a lot but it just didn’t feel right cos in my head, I was a boy. Why would a boy be liking a boy, ewwww, gross! You’re probably picturing little me as a lean boyish looking girl with a bounce to her steps. I was very far from that description. I must confess I tried bouncing and dressing like a boy a couple of times but never looked like one cos I was a chubby, ball like little girl with cheeks like egg rolls , I could pass for a live size doughnut. I wonder how ridiculous I must have looked those times I tried the bounce steps, probably looked like a bouncing ball. I forgot to mention doughnut was my nick name, they called me agric too. Note, I wasn’t a fat kid, just a cute and chubby one. My desire for adorned hair never lasted, after few months of trying different styles I’d decide I wanted my hair chopped off, fortunately for me, I had rapid hair growth, so I could afford to switch as I liked.

Puberty hit me really early and hard. Let’s do a flashback to pre-puberty, I was an outspoken, annoyingly inquisitive, over confident, daring and extremely far from shy girl. I was what you’d sometimes call a busy body, a reserved one. Forward to the puberty era, my body began to change, at age eight, I started to feel like I had little stones fixed to my chest. I noticed after a minor accident of two humans colliding, one of the humans happened to be me and the other happened to be one of my boyfriends. This accident happened during one of our rough games, the pain I felt on my chest was really sharp and unusual. I didn’t think it was anything serious and so continued with life. With time, the stones that were attached to my chest without my permission began to become noticeable, only to the observant. One sad fateful day, the news of me gradually becoming a woman was broken to me, I felt like God had done me evil and wasn’t fair, I was supposed to be his favourite girl (I used to think I was loved more than his other creatures, his number one after Jesus ). Why would he make me an old woman before I could be a child, why was I to be different from my friends? I felt like an alien in my own body, if I could run from me, I would have. That was a turning point in my life and my confidence dropped a notch lower.

I adapted to the little change, got a bit more conscious around my peers. By the time I clocked ten, I had already stretched out, I wasn’t looking all doughnuty again, I still had my signature cheeks though. My chest stones had grown bigger and felt less like stones. My legs, I was obsessed with though I didn’t like my feet, they were too big for my size but my long fingers and palm gave me and my mother hope that I was going to turn out tall. So much for having hopes, I didn’t turn out short, I only became compact. I became comfortable in my newly acquired body, I liked how I earned respect from my some of my agemates and older friends cos they thought I was really older. That was the genesis of my big sis/mummy attitude. I started to settle disputes and give advice, if only they knew.

Unfortunately for me, the prefect in charge of upgrading our different life stages wasn’t happy with my comfort and regained confidence. So she, yes, had to be a she, only a she can be that mean to another she. She decided to send some creatures to possess my body. I woke up to see really big immobile earthworms on most parts of my body, I freaked out, screamed and started to cry. “What happened to my fresh skin, who did I offend in school yesterday ? I must have offended a witch without knowing”, I thought. How could that even happen when I had God? I thought again, cancelling the thoughts of it being the handwork of witches, I was too strong for any witch to mess with, that was me seeing myself as God’s favourite again. I started to think it was the result of consuming noodles or spaghetti. These ugly things were on my thighs, legs and some parts I shouldn’t desecrate your eyes and mind with. I hoped and prayed for these creatures to leave me but they were adamant on staying, my beautiful and flawless skin was the perfect habitat for them. I gave up trying to make them homeless hoping that some day, they’d get tired and leave.

The presence of these aliens which I later learnt are called stretch marks (I prefer tiger stripes) was the beginning of the end of wearing short skirts and shorts. I became a nun overnight, I started to get attracted to long dresses, skirts and trousers only. I mourned my loss whenever I saw girls my age showing off beautiful legs and yearned to have mine back. I was already in JSS1 when I had this misfortune . At eleven, I looked fifteen. One would think I was mistakenly admitted into a class of little children in stead of the adult school. I didn’t let these things bother me, I was really smart and that was all that mattered. I earned the respect of my mates and teachers, that distracted them from thinking I was too old for the class. I wasn’t intimidated by looks cos most of my mates were still plain Janes and were “kids”. I was content wearing my almost calf length skirt, so far my stripes were hidden, I was very confident. If I didn’t have those, I definitely would have had a mid-knee length school skirt.

My confidence started to crumble again in Jss3, when my derriere was getting me unneccessary attention. I’d always had that, but for some reasons, I started getting very conscious about it. My steps became affected cos I didn’t want it to shake too much, there were times I had to tie a cardigan to my waist just so no one will comment on my “water bum bum”. I thought secret of me housing some worm like aliens on my body was going to stay secret till I finished secondary school. As if the torture of having to walk very carefully and stiffly wasn’t enough, my PHE teacher had to make sports compulsory for everyone.You know what that meins, I had to put on shorts! Oh Lawd, how I was I going to survive? There was no escape plan. Unfortunately for me, I was one of her favourites and she ensured I took part actively, though I ended up being good at only matching (match past) after trying many sports. I was always very conscious during sports and tried to move around less but that wasn’t possible. You’re probably wondering how I managed now. Well, this was what I did, I wore my shorts on long black tights and sagged on it. I tucked out my shirt and tied my cardigan on my waist, just so my sagging won’t be very noticeable . This became a routine, I did it every sports period till I graduated. It didn’t totally hide my secret but it was protected to an extent. Remember, this was in JSS3, most girls were already developing and were getting shapely, this was a door to another misfortune …To be continued.