My insecurities blew me off my feet in senior secondary school. In fact, it twirled me like a tornado and threw me hard against a rock. I will never tire of saying, my school had really beautiful girls, intimidatingly beautiful ones with nice edowments, I mean the complete package. If you know, you know. I felt invisible but I thrived on my performance in class. My confidence in Beauty was a zero while my confidence in Brains was an almost 100. I thought I was brains with no beauty, hence felt insulted whenever told I was beautiful by the opposite sex. But from girls, I just thought they were being nice. I had friends with both beauty and brains, I envied them a lot. I also envied girls that didn’t have to wear a ball dress camouflaged as school skirt just to hide their flaws.
I had lots of insecurities growing up, after adolescence. Those earlier mentioned are just some . I didn’t like my dentition and the colour of my teeth, I wanted perfectly white teeth , that explains why I have no picture of me smiling in my picture album. I hated my too wide lips, that explains my pouting which has now become a habit. I started to pout before it became a trend, I didn’t even know there was a name for it. I wished I could have surgery on my feet to make them smaller, just so it wouldn’t look like I was wearing oversized shoes when in fact, I was wearing mostly tight shoes. I didn’t like my cheeks until later in senior secondary school cos I thought I looked like the drawing on the cheese balls pack I loved so well. I didn’t like my derriere, i hated the fact that it had a mind of its own. I didn’t like how I walked cos mum said I walked like an old woman with waist pain. I had issues with my complexion in SSS, one would think I was competing with the sun, I hated that It made me too conspicuous . What didn’t I hate about me?? The girl who used to be a picture freak became camera shy. I could have erased myself off earth if I could.
Have you seen me recently? You’ll be shocked or almost shocked cos I look nothing like the girl I just described… Behttt I’m still shy. Have you seen my wardrobe, did you notice the length of my skirts and dresses ? Have you seen my pictures lately, did you notice how much I smile now and how much of a picture freak I’ve become ?? Oh Lawd. I have grown a whole lot. I have come to love my body and to see the beauty in my flaws. It took years and compliments from people I trusted not to mess with my head to see the beauty I refused to see in myself for years. I got over my insecurities by seeing myself through the eyes of others first, I looked at my body more in the mirror . I focused on my supposed flaws more, got used to seeing them and started to realize, they weren’t as bad as I thought. With time, I didn’t stop at just accepting these flaws, I started to see the beauty enclosed in them. There are times I have just a flash of doubt but I never allow it change my opinion of me.
My insecurities stopped me from doing a lot of things and altered my personality. They made me second guess myself… I never felt beautiful enough. These days, I almost get tipsy from staring too much at my reflection. I still get amazed at God’s artistry on my body. It’s ironic how I now see some of my then worst features as my best. I’m obsessed with my wide lips and stripes on my derriere, I love my height, until I need to reach something really high, I still don’t envy tall people. I wouldn’t change these things for anything, I find them really cute.
Never let anyone’s negative opinion of your looks matter, now I mean your physical/structural features, not dressing. Nothing beats self confidence, it can take you to stand before kings and queens. It earns you respect and attention. No one wants to listen to one who doesn’t know his or her worth. How can you convince people when you’re unable to convince yourself? You wonder why I call insecurity a demon? Just think of how much it deprives people of a lot of things, especially joy. That should answer your question.
What insecurity are you dealing with right now and how has it affected you? Are you like me who has dealt with insecurities and is still growing? How did you deal with yours?
PS: Read my previous update on Fighting My Demons .