Just Like Oliver Twist

About a year ago, I was in a not-so-good place because I was a month and a few days away from hitting a milestone age. You’d think that would be something to be thankful for, but it wasn’t. I wasn’t where I wanted to be. I wasn’t doing the things I wanted to do. Time was flying, but my life was dragging. 

“This was not part of the plan, Lord. I know there’s a high table you’ve prepared for me, but when shall I get there? When the party’s over?”

That summarizes the kind of thoughts I had. I was scared. I panicked. I wanted time to wait for me to do the things I wanted and find a balance before the clock continued to tick. Well, God disappointed me; he didn’t listen to my unrealistic wish. But did he fail? NO!

Why am I spilling this tea? Like I’ve done several times this year, I looked back again today, and oh boy! I have come a long way. I’m living my prayers. I have grown tremendously. I have lived way more than I have in the previous years. The last six months have been one of constantly being overwhelmed. If it isn’t work, it would be love. God’s overflowing love.

On most days, I go about feeling overwhelmed with gratitude. I could be showering, and my eyes will suddenly be filled with tears. I could be in the kitchen organizing breakfast for myself, and my eyes will be attacked by tears. Other times, I’ll be on a job, and my eyes will be clouded with tears. 

As I write, I have tears in my eyes, and I’m laughing at myself. All those tears weren’t a result of onion-cutting or pain. The tears came as a result of an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. Gratitude for how far God has brought me and the people he has brought into my life. “He has done so much for me, I cannot tell it all,” is the song in my head right now, and this stupid tear won’t stop sliding down my right cheek.

I’ve still not answered the question of why I’m telling you this. It is because today I feel overwhelmed, and this time it isn’t work or gratitude overwhelming me. I think I’m mentally exhausted, and the Oliver Twist in me is no longer impressed by what she’s getting. She wants more. She believes she deserves more, and she’s working on getting more.

I don’t think it was a coincidence that I kept stumbling on posts asking me to take it easy and be kind to myself last week. I work hard. I know most people do. But my brother-man, I really do work hard. I stretch myself, and I fear that I’m a little burnt out. 

The last few months have been filled with sleepless nights and days because I work at least three times more than I should. But then, I haven’t had to ask anyone for money, and it is one of the best feelings in the world. Lord knows how much I hate being dependent on people. It sucks the life out of me. I’ve also been able to do things for the people I care about because I can now afford to. And because I never want to go back to where I was last year, I triple my hustle. Now, look who’s tired.

To be honest, the tripled hustle is only a contributing factor to my tiredness. The sole reason is that I want more than I’m getting now, so I’ve sort of logged out. I think I’m capable of doing bigger things and deserve to get bigger things. At the same time, the thought of getting something better scares me because what if I’m not as good as I think? What if I get it and it becomes too much to handle.

Impostor syndrome? Yes, that’s it. But I’m always quick to call myself to order. I’m the girl who puts in her best whenever she’s assigned a task. I’m the girl who beats herself up when it takes her more than 24 hours to know everything about a new job. I’m the girl who puts passion and dedication into her work. So I tell myself, “you can do anything. You can always learn on a job. You learn fast. You’ll be fine; just go for it.”

Anyway, today hasn’t exactly been a great day. It wasn’t bad; It was just lined with grey clouds. I know tomorrow will be better; it is always better. I’m even more confident about tomorrow being better with the words my father planted in my heart this morning. He said, “when the time is right, I, the Lord, will make it right.” I muttered this to myself throughout the day. More than ever, I’m convinced that my sweet pops is intentional about me.

So for July and whenever I’m not getting what I want, my pops’ words to me shall be my mantra. I trust his timing, and it is always perfect.

But isn’t it funny how you want something, you pray for it, and start to act like an ‘ungrateful’ hippopotamus when you get it? Because now, your answered prayers are no longer sufficient. Like Oliver, you want more. That is life. This is life. We are insatiable. As we grow, our needs and desires change to match our growth. 

It’s okay to be uncomfortable with your situation and dare to dream for more, even if your current place is what you once climbed mountains for and burnt calories for. It’s like sitting on the floor watching people eat bread on the table and thinking, “it must be nice to have bread to eat; if only I can taste the crumbs, I’ll be the happiest person on earth.” God hears your plea and grants you crumbs. He goes further to elevate you to the table. 

It is only normal that you will want to have bread too at some point. Because of the newness of the whole experience, for some time, you might remain excited and content with bread crumbs while every other person at the table eats bread loaves. So no, you eventually wanting bread isn’t ungratefulness. I mean, you only asked for crumbs because you were on the floor, and at that level, that was the most you thought you’d ever get. 

It is also okay if you decide crumbs are all you will have for the rest of your life. It’s perfectly fine. I’ve come to the realization that not everyone is ambitious. Not everyone wants the glamorous things of life. Not everyone wants to change the world. Some people just want the basics and are happy having them, table or floor.

If you’re a crumb lover, don’t let anyone make you feel small for wanting just crumbs. If it makes you happy and peaceful, stick to eating crumbs. And if you’re like me with big eyes, always wanting more, don’t let anyone make you feel ‘your own is too much.’ Why settle for less when you have access to more? If you can have it, go for it!

I promise, I didn’t start out to write some maguire to perspire speech. I just wanted to talk about my feelings. Hopefully, someone finds my speech meaningful and timely.

Anyway, people, do have a beautiful July. Remember, your God will make that thing work when the time is right. But before you get to the point where it works, keep swimming! 

Love, 

Olivia Twist.