Do you ever wonder about your soulmate? I do, occasionally. I wonder if he died already. What if he never made it to adulthood? What if he’s already found someone else and has made a family with them? So many what-ifs. And what if a soulmate isn’t what most of us think it to be? Could your soulmate be a parent, a sibling, or a friend? When I was much younger, I was convinced that a soulmate is one that you connect with on every level (emphasis on every). I was sure a soulmate was the one that would give you many butterflies and cause a spark in your soul and tingles in your erogenous zones.

But now, I’m beginning to think I was wrong. In fact, I think I was wrong. I’m now more open to finding my soulmate in any gender without romance. I sometimes wonder if my mother is my soulmate. With the way I’ve been love-proof, I suspect I’ll find my soulmate in a friend without romance. At this point, if I have a soulmate I’m supposed to meet and spend the rest of my life with, I should have met him by now; fifty may be too late.

Whenever I think about soulmates, I always think about God’s plan. I think about people in terrible marriages. I think about people who died before getting a chance to settle with a ‘life partner.’ If God has our lives mapped out, and if everyone really has a soulmate, why then do people end up with incompatible partners? Why do people die young? Could it be that those that die early were not people’s assigned soulmates? Or do their soulmates die too? Wild thoughts, I know. But I just can’t help but wonder about these things sometimes.

This maze of thoughts brought me to think that the general belief that God has our lives mapped out may be true. And just like a map, there are different routes to get to a destination. God leaves us with the choice to take whichever route we like to get to the destination he has assigned us.

For illustration, let’s say your core purpose on earth is to nurture children, not necessarily yours. Maybe start a foundation to support unprivileged children, and perhaps become a minister of children’s affairs. I believe on the map, you have several routes (A, B, C, D,…). God places different people, situations, challenges, and temptations on every route. On each route are also planted good fortunes. And as a child, the choices your guardians/custodians on earth take influence the path you find yourself on.

This includes the friends you’ll have, the school you’ll attend, your religion, and so on. Then you become a young adult, and a large part of your fate is now in your hands. The choices and decisions you make influence the following path you take.

On each path are people that will make and mar you. You either meet people that will act as catalysts to your journey or people that will be obstacles, depending on the path you choose. Let’s assume you decide to take route A. You might meet great people. People and circumstances that will teach you life lessons the hard way, a reasonably good career, and a partner you can manage like that. You’re satisfied.

But would it ever occur to you that you could have met your soulmate (romantic) had you made a specific decision that would have taken you through route C? That you could have had an even better career? Or that you could have had a worse life or even died sooner if you had taken route B? We’ll never really know these things. This is where I think prayer comes in. Not prayers against principalities and power or for Otedola’s kind of wealth. But prayers for discernment, alignment with your purpose, and the ability to make the best long-term decisions.

Doesn’t this make you wonder why God would take his time to create us only to have us see shege and even die young? Do you also wonder if those who die early have already fulfilled their life purpose? But even though! Even though! Is it really necessary? Anyway, God is a mystery, and so is life. The mystery that makes God who he is will be lost if we get answers. So we wonder till it’s our turn to receive death’s cold kiss.

And as for soulmates, I may have found one. I’ve found myself a soul sister, and I must say we have a weird relationship. We’re both discreet. I think she’s even worse. At least I tell you stories about myself and what goes on in my head, but that one? I don’t have her time yet. But I love what we have; there’s no rush. It’s beautiful how we don’t have to say anything to understand each other. And it’s even more beautiful how we’re both in awe of our personalities and pulchritude.

I don’t know if someone has married my romantic soulmate. I have a feeling someone has because the one person I felt was my soulmate has been stolen. After him, no one comes close. He’s the closest I’ve been to being in love. If not for the circumstances of the time I met him, this love-resistant heart would have fallen yakata. He had me wrapped around his fingers sha.

To be honest, maybe the bleakness of the situation made me ‘love’ him. If the situation were normal, I most likely would have put on my defense and resisted. But for the sake of tales to tell when other people are talking about love and related matters, I’m sticking to “he’s the first and only person I’ve fallen in love with.” Because if I face my truth, my life will be a sad and boring one.

Anyhoo, this is a story I’d like to tell someday. It’s pathetic and maybe tragic. I realized it was tragic when the only man who knew how to turn my stone-cold heart to Stone Cold ice cream got himself a wife and a child, and I didn’t react the way I should have. It was a moment of truth; I had been lying to myself about being in love. Anyway, I’m still in partial denial. But I really want to be loved and to love without restraint.

At this point, it is a must. My life cannot end on a sad note. God forbid! Not on my heavenly father’s watch! Cupid’s arrow will not chook my heart ke! No, no, no! God forbid. I really want to do mumu things for love and have it reciprocated. I don’t want to be hardhearted again.

I want to stop making funny faces and laughing out loud when I come across a non-fictional couple’s post or see people actually doing this love thing. But for real, I’m too much of a romantic not to be able to have my own story. Anyway sha, I’m not desperate, and I’m not settling. A lirru relationship experiment with people that don’t mind ‘being used’ isn’t bad (God bless your kind souls) so that when we finally jam soulmate, we won’t be naive or totally clueless.

And I really hope this write-up doesn’t make me a crazy woman. Do your thoughts take you on wild trips like this?

Finally, I’d love to know your thoughts on soulmates. Have you found yours, or do you think they died or have fallen for another?

It’s 1:10 am, and I’m busy resenting humans and craving some sweetened warm milk when I should be sleeping or working. I usually don’t take my milk with sugar, but I feel the need to consume some sugar and my go-to guy, Pepsi, isn’t available.

As I write, my head pounds, not because it is being used as a mortar, but because Rema chose my head as his studio to record “another banger!” I’m trying to sleep, but for some reason, sleep doesn’t think I’m a hot chick like some of you humans. I have seduced it, but it has vehemently refused to be seduced. Have I given up? Yes! Cos, I have some pride, and I’m going to walk away with the little that is left. So I’m writing instead, cos I don’t want to rant on my Whatsapp status.

I was talking about not liking you people, right? Just in case ghosts and animals read my blog posts, “you people” is synonymous with humans here. Yes, I’m in one of those moments when I think I can do without you, but who am I kidding? We all need people.

Even a loner like me needs people. And, really, no one does life alone. No one is totally self-made if we’re being honest with ourselves. But I get it when people say that. I really do, but after a deep reflection while having a bath ( by now, you should know I do this a lot), I don’t think I can ever use that phrase again. I may have done the bulk of the work or put in the most effort, still, without the input of others, no matter how insignificant they might seem, my efforts would be futile.

I think like this, and I still don’t like humans? Well, this is not always the case. Was it not just some hours ago I was feeling so overwhelmed with love and gratitude for my sugar boy’s contribution to my future? Was it not the same me that was thinking of several ways to show him appreciation? Like buying him all the onion and sour cream flavoured pringles in Ebeano or C-mart before I blow and buy him more luxurious gifts? Was it not the same me that couldn’t stop talking about one of the best forehead kisses and warm hugs I received some days ago? And I suddenly don’t like humans and want to be alone?

Funny, ehn? But it is what it is. I am a loner. Call me a popular one. A lone ranger. I do get tired of people; I honestly do. These days, I try to not live life alone. I let people love me. I let them get me gifts and do nice things for me. I burden them with some of my burdens without overthinking it to the point of not asking them for help. It hasn’t been easy, but I think I’m enjoying it, and I have “Mr Young Man” to thank.

Being able to run to your friends when you need help, as you should. Saying yes to dates and letting people appreciate you in their way. It is beautiful, and I hope I never return fully to the “don’t worry lifestyle.”

You know, to be totally honest with you (no offence to those I call friends), I often think I don’t have a single friend because on many occasions when I need help, nobody comes to mind. When something good or bad happens to me, nobody immediately comes to mind to share with, and I think, “shit! You’ll die a ‘lonely’ woman.”

Fortunately, dying alone doesn’t bother me. I care more about being remembered for the change I brought. For the impact I made. For being authentic. I could be in a room filled with amazing people and still feel lonely and alone. But I never feel that way with books, writing, observing God’s artistry, and photography. You get the point I’m driving at, right?

Now that I think of it, it is not your fault that I sometimes don’t consider you ‘friend.’ This is a case of “It’s not you. It’s me”, and I promise I’m not trying to break up with you. It is really me. I never really give my friends a chance to be my friend. I do have beautiful people as friends who have been nothing short of amazing and would cross oceans to make me happy. I just hardly give them a chance cos “don’t worry,” “It’s fine, I don’t want to bother you,” and I have few expectations from humans.

As much as I love fairy tales, I’m very aware that my life isn’t one, and I am not in one. So! I leave a lot of room for disappointment, betrayal, and deceit so that when people mess up, it has little to no impact on me. It is my ‘odeshi’ mechanism. It’s how I’ve lived over twenty years on planet Earth without a scratch on my heart. It is why I may never get used to people being all kind and going out of their way to make me happy.

Friends doing nice things for you may seem normal because “what are friends for?” Well, relationships aren’t that way to me, which is why when I like people, and I am not liked back with the same intensity or at all, it doesn’t bother me.

If I choose to like you, how you feel about me won’t change anything, you could detest me or be unaware of my being, and I won’t stop liking you. The only thing that may change how I feel about you is you wishing me evil, mudding my name, or disrespecting me ( let it be known that I do not condone any form of disrespect).

I like without the entitlement or expectation to be liked back. So long it isn’t a romantic relationship, we’re good. You can keep your “liking” to yourself if you want; I’ll like you still and shamelessly so.

If we’re talking relationship, you have to worship me, treat me like the air you breathe, and value me like your pulse. No, I won’t settle, and I expect a lot from you. The moment we are in something, you aren’t just other humans to me. And trust me, I am no jailer. If you want out, I’ll help you with the door. Just know that I’m not settling.

The same thing goes for giving (time, money, resources, etc.). I give without expectations. I give only when I want or feel the need to, to avoid entitlement and resentment. Don’t bother guilt-tripping or shaming me into giving; save the energy for another person.

As much as I go about carrying distrust in my heart, I still give people a chance to prove themselves worthy of earning my trust. I’ve met some people who seemed genuine at the start, but trust me to always smell foul play ( if only my senses would be this sharp to know what the future holds). I might just give up on intelligent people not trying to play mind games.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I currently do not like humans; someone is trying to be slick with me and play on my intelligence. And as usual, I’m acting all ignorant cos it takes two to Tango. Right? I really thought this one would be different. For one who sucks at Math, I am really good at finding X and solving puzzles in mind games. Anyway, I’ll be back to liking you when tomorrow comes.

To the one who would finally penetrate this heart, bring down my defences, and earn my complete trust, I apologise for the stress I’ll cause you. You will have to work at least two times harder than the Devil, cos for here? Indabooski bahose!