Between Butterflies, Dreams, and Babies

Would you laugh if I told you I worry a lot about my children when I don’t even have any? It may sound ridiculous, but it is true that I worry about them. I care a lot about being a good mother to my kids and providing them with an equally good or even better father. As a matter of fact, I have already found a godfather for my first child. I mean, if I can’t marry this man to be the father of my kids, I might as well get him involved in at least one of my kid’s life. Are you wondering how we got here? I’ll tell you.

“Godfather” ticks almost every box for my future partner, the father of my kids. To say he’s brilliant would be an understatement because he’s, in fact, a genius. He’s got the looks, good fashion sense, a good sense of humour, great profession and alladat. But what caught my attention, aside from his brilliance, was his heart and emotional intelligence. He is an empathetic human who knows how to treat people with respect. He is kind and gracious, and I do not doubt his genuineness.

He’s the kind of man I see myself raising kids with. An excellent example for a son and daughter. For a son because he would see what a proper man should be like and grow up to be an even better version. For a daughter because she would see how he treats her and her mother and not expect less from men when she is older.

But why am I settling for the role of godfather to my child rather than husband to me? Well, well. First, I don’t consider myself his type—not like I know his type, but I assume his type would be a genius, and trust me, I’m not that. Of course, I’m a smartass, but not genius level. Secondly, we might also bore each other out (I don’t know why I think so). I also do not know if I like him in that way. I’ve never bothered to find out, but I know I greatly respect and admire him.

This doesn’t mean he doesn’t stand a chance to be my husband and father of my kids because all those “excuses” are nothing. Actually, he’s on my list of potential husbands (I promise I’m not crazy). I just need to be the woman of my dreams first before I start chasing these men of my dream.

As much as I’d love to do forever with someone I’m helplessly in love with, that is secondary for me compared to having a good husband and an even better father. If I find myself a man who would be a near-perfect father and good husband, I’m dragging him to the altar. Butterflies will grow later. So long we like each other, and there’s a good level of sexual attraction and respect, I think we’re good. I’ve come to learn that in life, we can’t always have it all (sighs in sadness). Even Adekunle Gold said, “Love is not enough.”

That’s how much I love my children still waiting to be born. Sometimes, I’m convinced that being a mother is a core reason for my existence (I do not think it is the same for everyone). And over time, I’ve realized it doesn’t necessarily have to be children from my fertilized egg. I’ve always had a thing for nurturing. It is why, when planning my future at sixteen, I dreamed of having a family of six children, three born and three adopted or four born and two adopted. I also had plans to start a foundation for orphans, less privileged children, or children with single parents. I don’t even mind being a stepmom.

I know how challenging parenting can be, but I’d still love to be one. In fact, it can be exhausting. Still, I want to be responsible for other responsible humans who would also raise responsible humans. I want to invest a lot of love into some little humans who will grow up to do the same. It might seem delusional, but I want to create an incorruptible cycle.

I want to be good people who would birth and raise other good people with another good people. But the evil in the world sometimes scares me and makes me rethink my choice of wanting to be a mother. Honestly, there have been times when I decided I won’t birth or raise any child cos I may not be able to forgive myself if the evil in the world hurts them or they become the evil themselves. It’s crazy, I know.

I also want to be a career woman and be up there. At the same time, I want to be a very present mother. I want always to be there to shield them from the world’s evils. I want them to feel and know the love of homemade meals (I’m not too fond of cooking, but anything for my babies). You might say some have done it before me and succeeded, but if we’re being honest, one of the two would always suffer for the other. Well, well. I guess I’ll cross that hurdle when I get there, or I’ll just run away. Until then, let me go back to curating my list of potential husbands.

PS: I didn’t mention something about my relationship with “Godfather.” No, I’m not about to say it because you’d either laugh at me or think I need therapy because I must be crazy. I guess I’ve just successfully piqued your curiosity. Still not telling you. I just hope he knows I wasn’t joking when he agreed to be godfather to my child. Who knows? He might be lucky enough to get upgraded to father instead of godfather. May God spare our lives till then.