You know, certain things or traits will make me lose myself if taken from me. First is my ability to be expressive. I can be a “hard girl.” A really hard one, but I’ve been trying to allow my softness to flourish since 2022. So I’m a work in progress. But as unavailable as I can be, I never fail to acknowledge my feelings. If I like you, find you attractive, enjoy spending time or conversing with you, or you turn me on, I’ll let you know. Still doesn’t mean I want to get involved with you. And if letting you know how I feel about you makes you think I’m easy, that’s your cup of Alomo Bitters.
By the way, when I say I like you, it’s not the same as “I’m in love with you.” I actually just like you. It could be for your personality, reasoning, poise and style, or big heart. Don’t try reading between the lines that do not exist (I am addressing both genders, in case you’re a girl and I tell you I like you. I promise I don’t want to “get into your pants.” Heck, I don’t even want to see your pants because Anambra men have me on a chokehold).
My expressiveness is what makes me address issues that bother me. It is why my heart never bears a grudge; I address things immediately or almost immediately. If I feel disrespected, I’ll call you out. If I admire something about you, I’ll tell you. If you make me uncomfortable, I’ll let you know. If I find something you’re doing pleasurable or not, I’ll ask you to continue or stop. In short, I’m confrontational.
The few times I wasn’t confrontational were when I was extra sensitive to the mental state of those involved and decided to be selfless after asking my favourite question of reason, “Is it worth it? Can you manage without confronting this person?” Looking back, I’m glad I could take some steps back in moments like that. I mean, people go through stuff, and I don’t want to add to it because of an inconvenience that can be overlooked.
Second is my ability to resist with my full chest without fear of being disliked or considered stingy, unkind, or difficult. “No” is probably the easiest thing for me to say. I’m not kidding when I say it is always at the tip of my tongue. That and “I don’t know” used to be default answers, especially when I’m not interested in conversing. You know, sometimes, when I ponder and see the amount of manipulation around me, I’m thankful for my independent mind and ability to say “no” and “I don’t want to” without feeling unsure or funny. Don’t bother guilt-tripping me; save your energy. The only thing that would make me change my mind is reason and fairness.
Third is my ability to walk away from people or situations that try to reduce my worth, threaten my peace, or shake my confidence. I don’t care who you are. I don’t care if I love you with my heart, brain, and kidney; I will walk away.
I don’t know how people stay in a place where they are not appreciated. I really can’t wrap my head around it. This is not me being condescending. No, it’s just a situation I’ve never been in and can’t relate to. I have little to zero tolerance for bullshit. While I am competitive, there are things you won’t catch me competing for. My chi forbids it. I love me some healthy competition. When competing with you, I make it known and will even cheer you if you give me a good run. But you see competing for attention and affection? Abomination!
Not to be arrogant, but I was raised with so much love and attention (you’re probably tired of hearing this) that I can’t take anything less. I grew up loved. I was loved in the family, church, school, and most spaces. Mind you, I didn’t say I was loved by everyone, but the ones who loved me loved me big and treated me with respect. I couldn’t stand and didn’t take disrespect as a child; I’m not about to change that in my old age. I’m huge on being treated with respect.
So you see, I do not like to be ‘managed.’ In fact, I will not be ‘managed.’ I’m self-aware; I know when I’m it and when I’m not. I will not lie to myself in the name of self-love. So if you think I’m not “it” enough for you to be the first choice in your life, ama gon walk out. If I carry myself as “all that,” and you think I’m overrating myself, then I’m certainly not the one for you. I won’t cut off my toes for the shoes to fit. My shoe size may be scarce, but it does exist. So why cut off my toes when I can keep searching for the ones that fit, even if not perfectly?
Well, I have a confession: If it’s a child’s attention we’re talking about, I will compete shamelessly for it. An L from a child is one of the few Ls that actually get to me. I can stay up at 3am thinking about what I did to be rejected, because it’s me! And children love me just as much as I love them.
One of the stories from the Bible that never sat well with me was the one where you turn your other cheek for a balanced slap. I remember my little self after CRK saying, “If you slap me on my left cheek, I will slap you on your right and left cheeks,” with a don’t-try-nonsense-with-me expression. “What kind of madness is that? When I’m not a fool,” I would think in my head. It’s not like I could even fight. I just had a sharp mouth and confident demeanour that made people think I’d actually beat them to a pulp if they tried nonsense.
What I’m trying to say is that while I’m not exactly a vengeful person, I’ll stress you if you stress me. No, I won’t pay evil with evil, I will just stress you in multiples by default. If you please me, I will go as far as taking off my shoulder pads and doing things I do not enjoy just to see you happy. I don’t even plan these things; they are natural responses. In other words, “wickedness” and “extreme sweetness” come naturally. I just find myself exhibiting them, depending on your subscription plan. Blessed are those who have never seen my nasty side; I pray you never see it.
Even I get amazed at how I can close my heart in certain situations and not feel a thing. Remember, for every action, there is an equal reaction. If you bring foolishness my way, I will give you treatment deserving of a foolish person. Basically, you get what you seek with me. To God be the glory; the older I get, the less potent my wickedness. So the fourth is that if you give me a general market, you’ll get pick two, suspension, hold on, and I check up. Do you get? If you don’t gerrit, forgerrebaurit!
The fifth and final is my heart. I have a lot of heart, and it makes me appreciate the little not-so-little things. It makes me appreciate life and the minute details. I have a heart full of so much love to give; it is not a facade. While I may not be available romantically, I have lots of love to give. I think my mom planted a fruitful seed of love in there. It is why I love to nurture and provide care to the elderly and people with special needs. It gives me so much joy and satisfaction, even when it isn’t always enjoyable.
I see people. I respect people because they are people, not for their titles, which could be a plus. Yes, that’s me, and that’s what makes me ME. What makes you YOU?
Damnnnnnnnn,
In my opinion, this is the most vulnerable piece you’ve written. It was like you opened a window into your soul and told us to take a sneak peek—actually, scratch that. You opened the door, led us to the dinner table, and said, “Here is Ekata; this is the real me.”
Thanks for sharing
Long, but nice
This wasn’t only enjoyable, I learnt a lot too. I have childhood trauma that has left me scared of confrontations. I just learned the past few years that confrontations mustn’t always escalate to fisticuffs so I’m becoming more comfortable with speaking up when I don’t like something.
Yes o this is Ekata. period!!!! and I love her too🥰🥰
To think i read this piece at a time like this.
I just had an experience that made me re-evaluate my self again.
And to be honest I don’t think I can write such a confident piece about me like you did.
I would love to get to this level of self-confidence.
You have it, it’s wonderful.