It’s 1:10 am, and I’m busy resenting humans and craving some sweetened warm milk when I should be sleeping or working. I usually don’t take my milk with sugar, but I feel the need to consume some sugar and my go-to guy, Pepsi, isn’t available.
As I write, my head pounds, not because it is being used as a mortar, but because Rema chose my head as his studio to record “another banger!” I’m trying to sleep, but for some reason, sleep doesn’t think I’m a hot chick like some of you humans. I have seduced it, but it has vehemently refused to be seduced. Have I given up? Yes! Cos, I have some pride, and I’m going to walk away with the little that is left. So I’m writing instead, cos I don’t want to rant on my Whatsapp status.
I was talking about not liking you people, right? Just in case ghosts and animals read my blog posts, “you people” is synonymous with humans here. Yes, I’m in one of those moments when I think I can do without you, but who am I kidding? We all need people.
Even a loner like me needs people. And, really, no one does life alone. No one is totally self-made if we’re being honest with ourselves. But I get it when people say that. I really do, but after a deep reflection while having a bath ( by now, you should know I do this a lot), I don’t think I can ever use that phrase again. I may have done the bulk of the work or put in the most effort, still, without the input of others, no matter how insignificant they might seem, my efforts would be futile.
I think like this, and I still don’t like humans? Well, this is not always the case. Was it not just some hours ago I was feeling so overwhelmed with love and gratitude for my sugar boy’s contribution to my future? Was it not the same me that was thinking of several ways to show him appreciation? Like buying him all the onion and sour cream flavoured pringles in Ebeano or C-mart before I blow and buy him more luxurious gifts? Was it not the same me that couldn’t stop talking about one of the best forehead kisses and warm hugs I received some days ago? And I suddenly don’t like humans and want to be alone?
Funny, ehn? But it is what it is. I am a loner. Call me a popular one. A lone ranger. I do get tired of people; I honestly do. These days, I try to not live life alone. I let people love me. I let them get me gifts and do nice things for me. I burden them with some of my burdens without overthinking it to the point of not asking them for help. It hasn’t been easy, but I think I’m enjoying it, and I have “Mr Young Man” to thank.
Being able to run to your friends when you need help, as you should. Saying yes to dates and letting people appreciate you in their way. It is beautiful, and I hope I never return fully to the “don’t worry lifestyle.”
You know, to be totally honest with you (no offence to those I call friends), I often think I don’t have a single friend because on many occasions when I need help, nobody comes to mind. When something good or bad happens to me, nobody immediately comes to mind to share with, and I think, “shit! You’ll die a ‘lonely’ woman.”
Fortunately, dying alone doesn’t bother me. I care more about being remembered for the change I brought. For the impact I made. For being authentic. I could be in a room filled with amazing people and still feel lonely and alone. But I never feel that way with books, writing, observing God’s artistry, and photography. You get the point I’m driving at, right?
Now that I think of it, it is not your fault that I sometimes don’t consider you ‘friend.’ This is a case of “It’s not you. It’s me”, and I promise I’m not trying to break up with you. It is really me. I never really give my friends a chance to be my friend. I do have beautiful people as friends who have been nothing short of amazing and would cross oceans to make me happy. I just hardly give them a chance cos “don’t worry,” “It’s fine, I don’t want to bother you,” and I have few expectations from humans.
As much as I love fairy tales, I’m very aware that my life isn’t one, and I am not in one. So! I leave a lot of room for disappointment, betrayal, and deceit so that when people mess up, it has little to no impact on me. It is my ‘odeshi’ mechanism. It’s how I’ve lived over twenty years on planet Earth without a scratch on my heart. It is why I may never get used to people being all kind and going out of their way to make me happy.
Friends doing nice things for you may seem normal because “what are friends for?” Well, relationships aren’t that way to me, which is why when I like people, and I am not liked back with the same intensity or at all, it doesn’t bother me.
If I choose to like you, how you feel about me won’t change anything, you could detest me or be unaware of my being, and I won’t stop liking you. The only thing that may change how I feel about you is you wishing me evil, mudding my name, or disrespecting me ( let it be known that I do not condone any form of disrespect).
I like without the entitlement or expectation to be liked back. So long it isn’t a romantic relationship, we’re good. You can keep your “liking” to yourself if you want; I’ll like you still and shamelessly so.
If we’re talking relationship, you have to worship me, treat me like the air you breathe, and value me like your pulse. No, I won’t settle, and I expect a lot from you. The moment we are in something, you aren’t just other humans to me. And trust me, I am no jailer. If you want out, I’ll help you with the door. Just know that I’m not settling.
The same thing goes for giving (time, money, resources, etc.). I give without expectations. I give only when I want or feel the need to, to avoid entitlement and resentment. Don’t bother guilt-tripping or shaming me into giving; save the energy for another person.
As much as I go about carrying distrust in my heart, I still give people a chance to prove themselves worthy of earning my trust. I’ve met some people who seemed genuine at the start, but trust me to always smell foul play ( if only my senses would be this sharp to know what the future holds). I might just give up on intelligent people not trying to play mind games.
This, ladies and gentlemen, is why I currently do not like humans; someone is trying to be slick with me and play on my intelligence. And as usual, I’m acting all ignorant cos it takes two to Tango. Right? I really thought this one would be different. For one who sucks at Math, I am really good at finding X and solving puzzles in mind games. Anyway, I’ll be back to liking you when tomorrow comes.
To the one who would finally penetrate this heart, bring down my defences, and earn my complete trust, I apologise for the stress I’ll cause you. You will have to work at least two times harder than the Devil, cos for here? Indabooski bahose!
This is so beautiful. And to think that we’re alike on this one, is nothing short of amazing to me. You don’t have to love me back when I love you. That feeling of being alone when surrounded by friends too… You just really know how to make thoughts and feelings come alive.
😂😂😂😂mama has para finish. Irrespective of this though, it’s a beautiful write up, I love the ability to express emotions in form of words powerful enough to convey them, as well as the creative references used.
Beautiful….Valid
This is a great piece… not just because you could write mysteriously but because I can relate well with this piece as that is who I am literally. So, permit me to say you’re no longer a loner, we are together in this our surreal lonely world.
What a loner you are!
Cheers to you 🥂😃
I love this ,i could relate to a part
Reminds me of why I call you my role model 😂😂. I really want to be like you. Lol. I don’t have odeshi mechanism😭😭….anyways i it felt like I was in your head. This is such a beautiful piece
😁😁
This is a really beautiful write up and I understand how you feel ‘cos I actually feel that way too about people at times and then decide to stay alone. I don’t even open up easily but then I need people and if I actually think and look around me, I do have people.
Lovely write up Ekata😉🥰
It was worth reading. Nice piece
Wow, it seems I’m the one talking out loud😅, nice one masterpiece
Ekata is indeed a loner. But a cute one at that😅
Really deep. Well written Ekata!
Indaboski what😂😂😂😂.
First time reading your piece and I think it’s beautiful.
I don’t think you’re a loner though but I guess you know better.
Enjoyed reading this
I’d give it 🌟🌟🌟🌟
Amazing
Lovely piece
Your BS detector is always fully charged 😂
BTW we need to start charging Rema for the studio sessions
Lovely piece👏🏾
Thank you, Runor.
It’s like reading about myself. This is so me. Like am staring at my soul. Once again, this is a lovely piece, maybe my personal favourite tbh.